devdahiya
May 13th, 2006, 10:13 AM
Are you ready for children?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are
truly prepared for the experience, I suggest you take this set of
simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a sack of various size nails. ( you may
substitute it with broken bottles.) Have a friend spread
them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now
dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to
waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set
your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every
song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these
too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are
truly prepared for the experience, I suggest you take this set of
simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a sack of various size nails. ( you may
substitute it with broken bottles.) Have a friend spread
them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now
dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to
waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set
your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every
song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these
too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.