vivekdh
May 2nd, 2008, 12:46 PM
An absolutely hilarious article by Coen Jeukens, a Dutchman, who spent two
years in Bangalore, India.
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive
on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your
best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as
follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that
case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying
the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the
direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and
occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in
the generally intended direction.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep
informative books in ! the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic
jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the
rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an
automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine
that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle
carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and
dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,
children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in
the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school
bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions
with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of
motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted
in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the
moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during
rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers! hanging off other
passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans
dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As
drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no
questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three
passengers.
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your
lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver,
and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his
total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are
the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a
single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is no! t a
super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually
the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your point posthumously
years in Bangalore, India.
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive
on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your
best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as
follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that
case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying
the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the
direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and
occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in
the generally intended direction.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep
informative books in ! the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic
jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the
rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an
automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine
that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle
carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and
dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,
children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in
the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school
bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions
with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of
motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted
in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the
moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during
rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers! hanging off other
passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans
dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As
drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no
questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three
passengers.
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your
lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver,
and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his
total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are
the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a
single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is no! t a
super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually
the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your point posthumously