Co - Dependency

[anilsinghd]

First things first , let me confess that the topic is actually proposed by someone else. I am just actindg as the "face" for the concept.


Coming to the topic:
Co - Dependency : Some background!

The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress.


========================================


Let me put my views on the topic ( providing some food for thought and to stir up the discussin ) :

Co - Dependency basically contradicts rationality. It acts as a barrier to the rational implementation of ideas. Let me give you an example:
Let's suppose I have two job offers in hand , one abroad and one in India , and the abroad one is better ( factored for the shortcomign that it will be taking me away from family and all .. ) , and my parents still compel me to stay in India irrespective. This to me is an example ( Excuse me for my understanding of the topic).
Another one might be that you come across a incident and get hurt by someone , one course of action would be to rationally let people know that they did badly and other course could be to let things take up their own path ( in a sense the usual "leave it on god " kind of approach ).



Questions to ask are :

1) are you co-dependent ? ( do you put yourself later than the others in relationships ?)
2) what made you co-dependent ? ( which relationship ? )
3) Co-dependency in Indian / Social context ?
4) Examples of co-dependency you see around yourself ? :)



I am sure you guys would take the topic to a higher level , excuse me for my constrained understanding , for the first time , this is something I did not cooked up :) !

[amans]

1.and 2. Honestly,do you think anyone will disclose this?
3. Married women abused by their husbands (abusive marriages), Married men abused by their wives, Children abused by their parents. It goes on and on.
4. Saw this - Married men emotionally abused by their not good looking wives.

[annch]

Anil,

Please allow me to support your initiating post. While surfing the net, I came across another definition of co-dependency, which is-
""Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others)."

Aman, you are right. At the negative extremes co-dependency is abusive as you have cited in examples. Towards the positive extreme, you have Mother Teresa, a saint.

And somewhere between these two extremes, most of the human relationships lie (except the sociopaths).

Caring and consideration for other person without any personal anxiety and stress, with your own needs being fullfilled, are the positve aspects of a healthy co-dependent relationship.

To answer Anil's questions:
1) are you co-dependent ? ( do you put yourself later than the others in relationships ?)- Yes, I am, but with the people who are important in my life, but not to an extent that I alone become responsible for their happiness.
2) what made you co-dependent ? ( which relationship ? )-Simplest example- My professional relationships-At times I keep my opinions to myself for sake of keeping peace in my associations.
3) Co-dependency in Indian / Social context ?-The apron strings of parent and child.
4) Examples of co-dependency you see around yourself ?-No comments, I am co-dependent on JL:D

Regards,
Anju

[brahmtewatia]

The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living
...
...
Co - Dependency basically contradicts rationality. It acts as a barrier to the rational implementation of ideas.
...
...
Another one might be that you come across a incident and get hurt by someone , one course of action would be to rationally let people know that they did badly and other course could be to let things take up their own path ( in a sense the usual "leave it on god " kind of approach ).

Questions to ask are :

4) Examples of co-dependency you see around yourself ? :)



to have a proper respect for ones self, you must be aware of your own moral and ethical values. yr moral and ethical values are what you, and you alone, believe to be what is right, and good, and true… very obviously, and very much influenced by your upbringing. many people can tell you what they think is right, and good, and true, but in the end you have to decide for yourself. i bring my above quote from morality thread in order to give more substance to my following thots. ;)

i disagree with you on your underlined thots in yr 1st post. co-dependency nowhere implies that you are being irrational or for tht matter irrational implementation of your ideas. instead, it gives you an option to cross-check the legitimacy of your thots, at times depending on folks, you can trust upon.

but at the end of the day, its your thots nd only yr thots tht'll govern the show. call it as co-dependency, if tht is used to give rationality to yr thots or to make you further assured, tht yr thots are same (rational) as the thots of other person whom you trusted... wotsay ??? :D:p:D some times yr codependency is just to have a 2nd opinion nd if it matches yours... i guess you can proceed with yr rationality... but if yr codependency goes to sucha an extent tht you call others to play yr shots, then thts the time you are going irrational... cos the chances are tht U are being governed by sick (irrational) thots. in tht case it all depends on those sick (irrational) thots tht are trying to get the irrational out of you... not to forget... 'what if, the things drag you to murky waters, if U let things take their own path??? ;). sry here for assuming only one line of my thot process... thts why i've chosen only those elements from yr title post ;).

p.s. 1 : brahmit or prakashit ? if still brahmit... my charges, this time are 100K euros per hr... :p nd sorry, i'm fully booked this week. ;)
p.s. 2 : give a free 'betal' ride to me if you want to avoid those charges :D

[kapdal]

Coming to the topic:
Co - Dependency : Some background!

The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress.


That is quite strong! Source?

And what does it mean- happy families won't show co-dependency? Isn't a family by definition based on some sort of co-dependency?

Some form of co-dependency/co-operation is the basis of the society we live in. The principle of justice is somewhat based on this. I remember from Sanil's Hukka on morals/ethics (It is a course at my and Anil's Alma mater), that "justice" as a principle came up not because human beings are holier than thou creatures who are by nature "just". Human beings would be equally fine about causing harm to others as animals are, as long as it benefits them. The principle of "justice" came up because human beings were scared about harm caused to them by others. Our "want" of controlling others by a "set of laws" that would protect us was greater than our "want" of causing harm to others and benefit from them. And of course, human beings were intelligent enough to think this through unlike animals. A ruthlessly rational human being would be open to killing and stealing if it benefits him and if he doesn't get caught. What prevents him is the fear of punishment. So he is rational in not killing/stealing.

I think co-dependency is a similar form of human "rationality". So a person ditching a better offer abroad for a worse offer in his own city because of family pressure is still being "rational". He is subconsciously afraid of the "punishment", such as cut off of family ties, social ostracization, etc. If he values these things so much and still took the foreign offer, won't it have been highly irrational- he would have been stressed out like anything. And a person who didn't give a damn would take up the offer as his "rationality" would see a benefit for him after taking into account the cost of the "punishment". There is no uni-dimensional "rationality". I believe co-dependency is also a form of "rationality".