The Dusk ~~

**shweta123** · February 5th, 2008, 03:07 PM

The Sun walking down the ladder of sky to lounge in the lap of frosty earth,
The radiance of daylight sat tranquil whistling the arid hymns of tedium

The soggy hands of night busy painting the canvas around dark and loud,
The moon smiling at its glorious unruffled attire and enchanting blissful tunes

The stars dancing blithely holding the hands of bristling cool winds,
The mundane scent of dry air giving way to bustling sounds of succulence

The lovers sitting snugly listening to melody of the eyes of their beloved,
The people reciting verses of liberation from clutches of arduous chores of the day

The foot of sleep impending sneakily crawling under the drained eyes,
Here has magnificently arrived the much awaited dusk, smiling amiably!

**shweta123** · February 5th, 2008, 03:12 PM

Trying my hand at English poetry for the first time, kindly bear with me!

**ssindhu** · February 5th, 2008, 03:28 PM

by any chance is it a poetic piece?

don't think that i am on some avenge...

being a literature bug, i just couldn't bear the misconception of considering it a poem...

see, a poem is supposed to have some metre like aa, ab, abc...

not a single line has some metrical note.

and secondly, even if i consider it to be some pulp kinda prose, it's a stale imagination, nothing new in on the imagery front.

'enchanting' was probably supposed to be 'chanting'

plz don't take me otherwise, any honest literature fellow will feel bad about calling it a poem...i am just being honest and nothing else

**shweta123** · February 5th, 2008, 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by seemasindhu

by any chance is it a poetic piece?

don't think that i am on some avenge...

being a literature bug, i just couldn't bear the misconception of considering it a poem...

see, a poem is supposed to have some metre like aa, ab, abc...

not a single line has some metrical note.

and secondly, even if i consider it to be some pulp kinda prose, it's a stale imagination, nothing new in on the imagery front.

'enchanting' was probably supposed to be 'chanting'

plz don't take me otherwise, any honest literature fellow will feel bad about calling it a poem...i am just being honest and nothing else

Thanks a lot that you accepted my request to bear with me so helpingly !

**ssindhu** · February 5th, 2008, 03:41 PM

and by any chance if it's supposed to be some spontaneous flow of thoughts...please consider the usage of articles...'The' which you have used in the beginning of every line...is not in place everywhere...since all the things you talk of are not defined earlier and nor are they familair objects like sun, moon etc...ravaged the whole thing

**shweta123** · February 5th, 2008, 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by seemasindhu

and by any chance if it's supposed to be some spontaneous flow of thoughts...please consider the usage of articles...'The' which you have used in the beginning of every line...is not in place everywhere...since all the things you talk of are not defined earlier and nor are they familair objects like sun, moon etc...ravaged the whole thing

Oh ! I see ! Is it all or something more that I should consider...... I am waiting for a big list ! I love improving anything negative pointed out to me in good sense and I am cherishing your superb comments !

**ssindhu** · February 5th, 2008, 03:51 PM

i thought i will supply with some example. here goes a sonnet of my love- 'Bard'

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May. And summer's lease hath all too short a date:

read the syllables...it has a metrical pattern of ab, ab

i like your zest to write, so it might help

**shweta123** · February 5th, 2008, 04:00 PM

Originally Posted by seemasindhu

i thought i will supply with some example. here goes a sonnet of my love- 'Bard'

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May. And summer's lease hath all too short a date:

read the syllables...it has a metrical pattern of ab, ab

i like your zest to write, so it might help

Thanks for liking my zest ! Anyways, this ab ab concept is Greek to me ! I never had literature as my subject and I cant write considering the syllables and metrical patterns etc, but I cant leave writing just because I am aint Wordsworth or Shakespeare ! Keep facilitating me dear..... who knows I may end up being a real Bard, courtesy my fellow Jatlanders like you who are so concerned and sweet

!

**ssindhu** · February 5th, 2008, 04:05 PM

Originally Posted by shwetadhaka

Thanks for liking my zest ! Anyways, this ab ab concept is Greek to me ! I never had literature as my subject and I cant write considering the syllables and metrical patterns etc, but I can leave writing just because I am aint Wordsworth or Shakespeare ! Keep facilitating me dear..... who knows I may end up being a Bard !

well the concept is greek as the most famous poets happened to be greeks, but it's followed as a religion in poetry..you'll see no literary poetry without metres...

secondly, which i write in sheer rage is, there's has been only one bard...and no one else can touch that stature...never...this was a fairly stupid dream

**shweta123** · February 5th, 2008, 04:17 PM

Originally Posted by seemasindhu

well the concept is greek as the most famous poets happened to be greeks, but it's followed as a religion in poetry..you'll see no literary poetry without metres...

secondly, which i write in sheer rage is, there's has been only one bard...and no one else can touch that stature...never...this was a fairly stupid dream

The concept isnt Greek ! It sounds Greek is a phrase ! Anyways, Let it be ! You carry on with whatever you may wish to dictate. I will do what I wish to do taking into cognisance any positive suggestions I receive, which, till now are totally missing

This is a time pass section and entertains anything creative, ! And creativity need not be perfect, and so the poem isnt....... take it easy and dont waste energy here, some other places require it more...... let this be a Jatland and not a Literatureland or England or Perfectland...... I am in learing phase and I will keep doing it the way I think its right !

Relax !!

**cooljat** · February 5th, 2008, 04:19 PM

Nice poem!!

gud try sweta..

way to go!...

Rock on
Jit

**ritu** · February 5th, 2008, 05:30 PM

ver nice poem shweta.

Originally Posted by shwetadhaka

The Sun walking down the ladder of sky to lounge in the lap of frosty earth,
The radiance of daylight sat tranquil whistling the arid hymns of tedium

The soggy hands of night busy painting the canvas around dark and loud,
The moon smiling at its glorious unruffled attire and enchanting blissful tunes

The stars dancing blithely holding the hands of bristling cool winds,
The mundane scent of dry air giving way to bustling sounds of succulence

The lovers sitting snugly listening to melody of the eyes of their beloved,
The people reciting verses of liberation from clutches of arduous chores of the day

The foot of sleep impending sneakily crawling under the drained eyes,
Here has magnificently arrived the much awaited dusk, smiling amiably!

**devdahiya** · February 5th, 2008, 05:45 PM

Should not we use some kind words for each other some times?Will not that make this platform more dignified?But then it requires a lots of dignity and heart to vibe well.We have made a habit of not tolerating any one out here.Very unfortunate and disgusting to read these thoughts.We are surely de-grading ourselves.Why can't we feel good about each other instead of making ourselves stupid.Please think over..it is a madness of certain kind.May God guide you to the reality!

**neels** · February 5th, 2008, 07:43 PM

Originally Posted by shwetadhaka

The Sun walking down the ladder of sky to lounge in the lap of frosty earth,
The radiance of daylight sat tranquil whistling the arid hymns of tedium

The soggy hands of night busy painting the canvas around dark and loud,
The moon smiling at its glorious unruffled attire and enchanting blissful tunes

The stars dancing blithely holding the hands of bristling cool winds,
The mundane scent of dry air giving way to bustling sounds of succulence

The lovers sitting snugly listening to melody of the eyes of their beloved,
The people reciting verses of liberation from clutches of arduous chores of the day

The foot of sleep impending sneakily crawling under the drained eyes,
Here has magnificently arrived the much awaited dusk, smiling amiably!

Very Gud Try Shweta...the intent is meaningful n appealing....

You can certainly improve lots... seema is right abt the use of article the in every sentense. you can make it more appealing n rhyming by bit of changes ... i ve tried to do the same wid the first four lines with a bit of shuffling of the words, didnt experiment wid changing the words. Hope yu wont mind it....

Sun walking down the ladder of sky to lounge in the lap of frosty earth,
Radiance of daylight sat tranquil whistling the tedium arid hymns

Soggy hands of night busy painting the canvas around loud and dark,
Moon smiling its glorious unruffled attire and chanting blissful tunes

**rkumar** · February 5th, 2008, 08:00 PM

Don't know if its poetry or prose but this is what I wrote long back as a song;

Why do I always go to canteen to eat
because, there are sexy girls around my seat

I look at their faces, when they are smiling
those moments are very joyful and exciting
all the girls are realy so sweet.. thats why I go to canteen to eat.. ...1

Girls talk so gently, I can't even hear
and they stop talking when i am too near
this increases my heart beat...thats why I go to canteen to eat.......2

.................................................. .......

It was really fun singing this in parties during my student days at Aberdeen.

RK^2

**vijay** · February 5th, 2008, 10:52 PM

Originally Posted by shwetadhaka

The Sun walking down the ladder of sky to lounge in the lap of frosty earth,
The radiance of daylight sat tranquil whistling the arid hymns of tedium

Nice try Shweta ........ Keep going.

**shweta123** · February 6th, 2008, 09:39 AM

Originally Posted by neels

Very Gud Try Shweta...the intent is meaningful n appealing....

You can certainly improve lots... seema is right abt the use of article the in every sentense. you can make it more appealing n rhyming by bit of changes ... i ve tried to do the same wid the first four lines with a bit of shuffling of the words, didnt experiment wid changing the words. Hope yu wont mind it....

Sun walking down the ladder of sky to lounge in the lap of frosty earth,
Radiance of daylight sat tranquil whistling the tedium arid hymns

Soggy hands of night busy painting the canvas around loud and dark,
Moon smiling its glorious unruffled attire and chanting blissful tunes

Thanks Neelam ji for finding the intent meaningful and improving it to make it meaningful !

I am really not good at literature stuff and dont know much about the syllables and all, I just write my thoughts down plainly ! I will surely try amending as you people will suggest.

**dreamer** · February 6th, 2008, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by seemasindhu

well the concept is greek as the most famous poets happened to be greeks, but it's followed as a religion in poetry..you'll see no literary poetry without metres...

secondly, which i write in sheer rage is, there's has been only one bard...and no one else can touch that stature...never...this was a fairly stupid dream

Aap Gyan ka Sagar hain .. Subhan Allah

**dkumars** · February 6th, 2008, 12:28 PM

Originally Posted by cooljat

Nice poem!!

gud try sweta..

way to go!...

Rock on
Jit

arre ohhh oount:D ... samajh mei bhi aayi hai kemme ke uhvei likh diya way to go ??? :p

bhai aadei tei sun, moon chhod kei kemme nahi palle pada ...
bhai mukesh kitt sei ... mei ekla hi rasta bhatak kar iss thread par aa gaya ya tu bhi chakkar maar gaya aadhai ???

waise ye thread dekh kar woh bachpan ki ek fable yaad aa gayiii... woh 2 billi ek roti ke liye ladd rahi hoti hai :rolleyes:

**ritu** · February 8th, 2008, 06:08 AM

godhuli hui shitij me chaayi laali hai
sham ka aanchaal pahne raat aane waali hai
panchi chale needo me aur pathik ghar ko
aaj jo beeta kal banane ko aur ek kal tyar hai aane ko
is godhulli me chppe hai na jaane kitne rang
kitni ummedae aur saje hai kitne sapne sang
godhuli ho har aisi jime chupa ho intzar koi
tuta ho jo sapna koi to umeed bandhi ho ek nayi

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The Dusk ~~

Calm down its useless .....

Gud Try....Keep It Up....

Nice try !

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